He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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