Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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