I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
