Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
