I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
