First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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