I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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