I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
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