Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize