i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
