I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
