just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
