If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
