two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
