so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
