I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
