hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
