I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
