dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
