so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Randomize
