Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
