It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
