ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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