yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
