Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
