Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
