just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
