If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
