You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize