tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
