I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
