Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
