We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize