Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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