Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
