I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize