What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
