ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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