I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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