I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
