It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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