PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
