I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
