only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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