Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
