i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My bed smells like the plague
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
