I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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