Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
