The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
