I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I intend to get homeless drunk
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
