a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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