my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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