why didn't you poke me back
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Randomize
