Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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