I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
