You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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