She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
