i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
