My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He passed out mid-signature
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
How does one acquire holy water?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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