I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
