Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
