I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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