i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
