he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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