this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
