FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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