if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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