I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
